I always heard about self-love, but honestly never knew its meaning until my experience was shattered. I had to work through molestation as a young child, and later in life, the death of my mother. I felt ashamed and lost in depression and anxiety for years. I didn’t invest in myself and just tried to get by.
I’ve gotten many reminders throughout life. I grew up with my adoptive mother’s boyfriend’s molestation and his words, “don’t be a whore like your mother.” There were many facets of dealing with this new world and way of life, but the biggest obstacle to the tackle was inside.
After my adoptive mother’s death, going through drowning in suffering, depression, suicidal despair and fear that brought me to the verge of collapsing physically and mentally. I realized that I have to have a relationship with myself. I’ve got to love myself first before I could give it out to anyone else.
I decided to fight back and stand up for myself and demand respect, but needed the foundation of knowing my self-worth before beginning that fight. I may continue to lose battles, but I am now strong enough to believe that I will win the war.
One of the big realizations I had though was that I have a lot of people who love me, people I love and respect, and when I don’t love myself, it’s an insult to their judgment. When I have trouble loving myself for my own sake, I remember that and try to love myself for the sake of those who love me.
My confidence, my energy, my perception of my health and my physical attractiveness is all a product of my inner voice, and the version of the story I narrate. Yes—people can say or do things that influence how you perceive yourself, but ultimately, my relationship with myself, my acceptance of my gifts and faults, is what drives my perception of self worth. The nicer I am to myself, the more I surround myself with thoughts, people, and beliefs that promote a positive self—and the better I feel.
I understood that everything can be overcome if you manage to put yourself first from time to time. I have learned to allow me to accept who I am, self-love and appreciation.
